Chapter 233 May My Life Keep You Alive
――For some reason, Fiona came to my room dressed in an erotic outfit and started talking seriously.
"I'm sorry, Aaron."
It all started with an apology.
From what I gathered, Fiona had been secretly investigating my past.
I had a lot of thoughts about it, but my mind gradually started to calm down. I understood that I had to push the image of Fiona's sheer outfit out of my head for now.
After all, when Fiona said something like this, it was hard not to clear my head.
"Hey, Aaron... do you still not forgive yourself? Do you still... want to die?"
As she said this, Fiona sat next to me and gently placed her hand over mine, holding it softly.
If she had heard from Lion and Director Ordahn, she must have understood.
That I had thought about wanting to die. That I had hated myself so much I wanted to kill myself.
"Yeah..."
Feeling the warmth of Fiona's hand, I thought again.
Whether I still wanted to die now.
"Two years ago, during the stampede..."
"Yeah."
As I began to quietly gather my thoughts, Fiona just nodded silently, encouraging me to continue.
I spoke slowly, piecing my thoughts together.
"Jack, Ryan, and Lewis... the 3 friends I used to party with, they died."
"Yeah..."
"I heard about it from Lion, who was seriously injured, while the city was still in chaos from the stampede."
"......"
"Of course, I was sad that they died, and I felt anger towards the monsters. So I thought I would kill as many monsters as I could, heading alone towards the [Seal Temple] in a city overflowing with monsters."
"Yeah..."
"But when I finished off Ignitor, Nord, and their cronies, I felt relieved."
"...uh, yeah."
"At that time, I thought I had defeated a lot of the stampede monsters, and I had contributed a lot to stopping the stampede. I thought that because I fought, I must have saved some people who were supposed to die."
"...That's true. There must be many people who were saved because of you, Aaron."
"Yeah... so I thought I had fulfilled my role... I felt relieved that I could use the life my sister sacrificed to protect me for something meaningful. Because my sister protected me back then, I was able to help many people during this stampede. So, my sister's death wasn't in vain. Therefore..."
It took courage to say the next words.
I say that it was Lucia, who possessed Fiona, that saved me when I was about to die. But it's also true that I wouldn't have been saved without Fiona.
That's why I hesitated to tell Fiona about this.
However, I decided that I shouldn't hide it from Fiona, who was trying to face this seriously, and I opened my mouth.
"So after the stampede ended, I was... disappointed that I was still alive."
"......"
My hand was covered by Fiona's, and she squeezed it tightly. Even without looking, I could tell she was quietly crying.
"I was ready to burn my life away in that stampede. I had decided to die there with Jack and the others. But in the end, I survived, and I didn't know what to do..."
It was the second time I had experienced a complete drain of my willpower.
Going through something like that makes it clear how important the will to live is for a person. Even when my physical wounds healed and I became healthy again, I couldn't find a single bit of motivation to do anything, and I felt like my whole body was constantly weighed down by lead.
"I felt despair over having to keep living."
Yes.
I wasn't despairing because Jack and the others died. I'm an explorer. All of us knew that dying was part of the job. That included the death of someone else, a comrade.
There was an indescribable regret about their deaths in the stampede. I felt sad and helpless. But I didn't despair because they died.
I despaired because I couldn't die that day.
And then――――after some time had passed since the stampede, I tried to enter the labyrinth.
Even then, I resisted the idea of ending my own life. Still, I knew that if I kept diving deeper and deeper, I would inevitably be killed by a monster, no matter how hard I fought... No, I intended to keep diving until that happened.
But then, someone stood in my way.
I smiled faintly and said.
"Well, in the end... there was someone annoying who kept bothering me. I didn't even have time to die."
Sniffling, Fiona said in a frustrated tone.
"...I'm sorry."
"...No, thank you."
"Huh...?"
"Thanks to you, I managed to not die."
"...!!"
I could honestly smile and say that.
There was nothing bad about it.
The truth is, I had noticed from the start.
The face of Fiona, who stood in my way at the [Seal Temple]――she probably didn't realize it herself――but instead of being angry or challenging me, she looked like she was about to cry.
I don't know why, but I quickly understood that she was trying to save me.
Fiona is somewhat similar to my sister.
She's strong-willed and violent, but also kind and trying to help someone. But, she is still different from my sister. If my sister had been there at the [Seal Temple], she would have knocked me out without hesitation and then lectured me.
Fiona is not like that. Fiona is not my sister.
So――it's not because Fiona resembles my sister that I started to like her.
Seeing Fiona trying to save me with her clumsy kindness made me think she was cute.
And I quickly realized. I had dated a few people before, but this feeling was different from any of those. I had never experienced such feelings before.
I still don't know if this feeling is love. But, in my heart, Fiona has become a more significant presence than anyone else.
"Ah... I see, that's right..."
I realized.
After that stampede, the feeling of despair had disappeared without me noticing, not because time healed my heart.
I want to live.
I've always thought about wanting to live with Fiona.
That's why, even though I ended up almost living together with Fiona in this house, I couldn't make a move on her.
I could have made a move if I wanted to, and if I wasn't being conceited, I think Fiona wouldn't have rejected me. There were plenty of chances.
Still, maybe that's exactly why.
Even though I'm living with the girl I like, I couldn't make a move――I couldn't take our relationship further――because of the reason.
"I... I abandoned my sister who tried to help me and ran away... out of fear, just to save myself..."
I finally realized.
I noticed it.
I wish I hadn't noticed.
What I'm afraid of right now.
"I can't trust myself."
Because I realized that, I could feel my heart rapidly growing cold.
Maybe on that night when I returned home from the four family, even if Lucia wasn't in this house, I still wouldn't have held Fiona.
Because I wonder if I could really fight instead of running away when a being that I can't possibly defeat now targets Fiona's life. And Lucia said I could win, but there's also the possibility that the existence of the [Evil God] is like that.
And if the [Evil God] is stronger than me, could I fight instead of running away?
Or, if I was still looking for a place to die like before, I might have been able to fight against anything. But now, I want to live. That means I'm afraid of dying.
I――love Fiona.
Because I care about Fiona, I don't want to make her unhappy.
I'm not allowed to abandon someone important and just run away with Fiona.
I'm scared. Just like my sister, I might also abandon Fiona and run away.
That thought is deep inside me, and because I can't trust myself, I can't shake it off. So――
"Fiona, if we can defeat the [Evil God], then don't come to this house anymore."
I said that.
"...What? Suddenly... what do you mean...?"
Fiona asked in a flat voice, and I answered.
"Don't get involved with me anymore."
"Huh...?"
"After we defeat the [Evil God], the clan will disband. ...It's better if we don't see each other anymore."
"Why...?"
"......"
I want to live, so I'm scared of dying.
Then, I should just stop wanting to live.
Thinking about a future with Fiona makes me want to live. So, I should throw away my feelings for Fiona and go back to who I was before.
If I want to die, I should be able to fight anyone.
And I will definitely kill the [Evil God].
Even if it means I die.
That would be the right way to use my life this time.
"Why...?! Tell me the reason...!!"
"...I guess I really want to die."
The moment I said those words that would break my vague, still undefined relationship with Fiona, I felt something leave my whole body.
Or maybe, it felt like something heavy was wrapping around me.
(Seriously, is this for real...? I thought it would just go back to normal, but... it's tougher than I imagined...)
Giving up on the girl I like.
This is my first time experiencing something like this, and it was an indescribable pain.
Even so, I told myself that this was okay.
"............"
A long silence.
"............I see."
Eventually, Fiona said in a cold voice and stood up from the bed.
Then, Fiona slowly started to walk――
――――BAM!!!
She suddenly circled around in front of me and pushed down on my shoulders with strong force.
"――――Huh!?"
With the sudden impact, I fell back onto the bed, surprised and speechless, as Fiona quickly mounted on top of me.
Fiona placed her hands beside my head, looking down at me, and said straight into my eyes.
"If you die, I'll die too."
"Huh...? ――What!?"
Her sudden words blew away the serious atmosphere.
"You... you're joking, right?"
"I'm not joking."
Fiona said, cutting me off.
Looking up at her expression, there was no hint of a joke at all. She had a terrifyingly serious face.
"What the...!! No, don't say stupid things!?"
"......"
"Hey."
Fiona just kept staring straight at me.
The intensity of her gaze made me lose the words I wanted to say. So all I could do was ask her why.
"......Why would you do something like that?"
"...I'm a heavy girl."
"......"
"I don't want to give the person I like to anyone else, and I don't want to give up. I won't give up anything to be happy. Even if you say you hate me... even if you say you dislike me!! I will never give up!!"
"......"
Tears started to fall.
"I'm greedy, okay!! For my happiness, you have to stay alive!!"
"......"
Crying, Fiona had the same look on her face as she did 2 years ago after the stampede.
The look she had when she was desperately and awkwardly trying to save me.
"And besides, what do you mean you can't trust yourself...!! In the underground [Temple], even when you were about to die, you prioritized me!!"
The underground [Temple]... That was when I almost got killed by Ickle.
"I don't care that you ran away in the past!! What I know is that you're so careless about your own danger that it worries me! Even while complaining in the maze, you were trying to protect me! You act recklessly, but you really care about your friends...!! You even stood up to the Four Families for me...!!"
"――――."
"The Aaron Gale I know has never been scared and running away from something, that's not who you are!!"
"......I see."
It hit me hard in the chest.
If anyone else had said it, it probably wouldn't have affected me at all.
But Fiona's words, for some reason, I could accept them honestly.
When I thought about how I had become that kind of person, something that had been stuck deep inside me seemed to melt away and disappear.
"So, if I..."
If I had become a person I could trust, could I live freely now?
"Is it okay for me to be alive...?"
"...Of course it is!!"
"No, that's not it..."
What I wanted to say wasn't that.
"I'm not sure if it's okay for me to live with you...?"
"――――!!"
Fiona's eyes widened.
"......"
Eventually, she nodded with a "yes," and big tears fell, wetting my cheek.
"I see... so that's how it is."
I thought I didn't have to give up. There was just one thing I truly wanted from the bottom of my heart.
"...Then, I won't hold back anymore, okay?"
"――Huh?"
In the next moment, I switched our positions.
I laid Fiona on her back on the bed, supporting myself with my left hand beside her, looking down at the confused Fiona.
And then――――I placed my right hand on Fiona's chest.
Right in the center, just above her heart.
Then, I said.
"――――May my life keep you alive. My life is with you."
For a while, Fiona was stunned.
Finally, it seemed she understood the meaning of my words.
"Why... that..."
She asked quietly, tears flowing for a different reason than before.
If she asked why, the answer was simple.
"I heard it from Ms. Alisa. It's the proposal words from your hometown, right...?"
Ms. Alisa was someone I had met a few times at the Ackerman merchant guild store. During one of those times, she asked, "Have you proposed yet...?" When I denied it, she somehow told me these proposal words.
"If you ever feel like proposing to that girl, could you use these words?"――she said.
I had remembered that all along.
"Just so you know, Fiona. I'm much greedier than you."
"Eh?"
"If you nod... I will never let anyone have you."
"Wh-!? ~~~~!!"
"So... think carefully and give me your answer."
"......"
Fiona looked up at me, her cheeks turning rosy.
Then she smiled. So beautifully.
After that, Fiona placed her right hand on my chest, right in the center.
The answer came quickly.
"Yes...!! Your life will keep me alive. Your life is with me...!!"
My heart was full, and I kissed Fiona's lips.
That day, until the next morning, Fiona and I spent the night in the same bed.
After holding back so many times, I embraced Fiona over and over again.
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